I Found a Baby

(Spoken monologue over reprise of "Duuhhh, Pancakes?")

I found a baby
It was in a stroller that someone had left in the middle of a crosswalk
I was just finishing a late shift and walking to my car when I noticed it
The stroller, that is
I went over to move it aside, since I had to drive out that way
As I walked towards it, I wondered vaguely if there would be a baby inside
Sure enough, there was
I realized that I would have been slightly let down if there hadn't been a baby inside
I'm not sure why
Babies are a lot of work
They're loud and incontinent
Sure they're cute and cuddly
But that only goes so far, y'know
Perhaps it was some primal masculine urge to protect the small and helpless
I guess I'll never really know
Anyway, I took the baby home in my car with me
Steadying it with my right hand as I drove
When I got home I really wasn't sure what to do with it
It's not like I had any baby bottles handy
The baby had been oddly quiet since I'd found it
Babies usually cry a lot
Especially after being abandoned
But this one didn't make a sound
Though it was undoubtedly alive and conscious
Well, I made up a little bed for it with a cardboard box and a blanket
I put it in my room, near my bed
Though not too near
In case I stepped on it when I woke up in the morning
The next day I took it in to the police station
To report a baby found at the corner of Bridge and Albert
They told me they'd take care of it, and I left the baby there
Some time later I phoned to inquire about the baby
I was told it had been put up for adoption, since the parents couldn't be found
I never did find out how that baby had got out there in the middle of the crosswalk
But I guess there are some things in life that never get explained.